


Orphaned Again and Again and Again

by shinewithalltheuntold



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 15:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7624399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinewithalltheuntold/pseuds/shinewithalltheuntold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A look inside Leia and Kylo's heads during and after THAT MOMENT in The Force Awakens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Orphaned Again and Again and Again

He hears her scream. He can barely feel his father’s hand brush against his cheek, and those eyes full of betrayal and love are hidden behind a haze. But as Han Solo falls, as that small light in the Force fades into nothingness along with his body, his mother’s scream echoes loudly in his head. And for a moment, he wants to reach out. To brush his mind against hers, to offer comfort, to beg forgiveness, to feel for just one more second the warmth of her love.

But then there is Chew- the Wookie’s howl and a searing pain in his side and how could his mother love him after what he has just done? How could she feel anything for him other than hatred and isn’t that what he wanted? To cut off that last connection to the woman who birthed him _soothed him guided him LOVED him_ and shut out the light forever? That was what Snoke said. And he believes. He will believe. He allows himself one last instant of connection _mother I’m-_ and then he severs the bond. 

He hunts down the girl and finds her with the traitor. The traitor that he cuts down, not as quickly as he might have had he not been injured, but he ends it all the same. The girl, though. She is clearly inexperienced with a lightsaber; holds it at first as though it were a staff of some sort. But, oh she is quick. Quick and clever and powerful, her Force signature so strong he can see, smell, taste it _so familiar like a little girl he once knew and I could teach you don’t say no don’t make me_ but she is no child. She is a warrior and he is wounded. And then there are more wounds and cold snow and she will do what he could not, will kill him and end this finally. But she doesn’t. The planet breaks. The planet dies, but he lives. 

And still, he hears his mother screaming.

***

Leia is screaming. Long, agonized screams of grief and rage and pain. All the way back from the command center to her office, she is screaming inside. Her lungs burn, her face is on fire, and there is pain and rage and grief and then there’s just…nothing. She is in her office, leaning against the door, and there is nothing. No more pain. No more husband. No more son. Just…emptiness. And she wishes for the pain back because at least it’s something. But she reaches out and she can’t feel them. Can’t feel anything. And then…she can. For just a moment, she feels her brother’s mind brush against hers, joining her grief, offering comfort.

She slams her shields down without even thinking about it. How dare he? How dare he abandon her, leave her alone for YEARS, and then reach out to her now? How _dare_ he?

She hears the doorknob rattle and spins around to confront whoever would dare interrupt her solitude. She flings open the door, but there’s no one there. Her anger recedes. She is confused but tired. And empty again. She shuts the door and walks to her desk. The data pads she had set in the middle of the desk are now on the floor. A picture is askew on the wall. She doesn’t care. She lays her head down and waits for the tears to fall. They never do, and eventually she falls asleep. In her dream, she feels Han fall again. Feels his light leave, not the dim gradual fading of old age that she had once thought possible but fingers snuffing out a candle. Only the rapidly fading wisps of smoke testifying to how brightly he had burned.

She stands there, staring into the blackness, trying to cling to those small streams that held the last of her peace and her joy in this life. She wants to stay but she can already feel it. The pull to wakefulness. To duty and pain and grief that never ends and can no longer even be dulled. She is too tired to even fight it and lets herself be drawn back into the world.

And yet, in the moments before her eyes finally open, she swears she sees a small spark in the darkness. But there is only gleaming gold metal and an old woman’s foolishness. Threepio informs her in excited tones of the heroes’ triumphant return, so she rises and goes to meet a bucket of bolts that will never again be her home.

The End


End file.
